 Excerpt: "A team of Russian scientists is developing a donut-shaped spaceship that can reach the farthest corners of the solar system in record time by taking power directly from the Sun."
Doc Godley: His Hole-yness will not be pleased to see the Russkies get this close to his favorite vacation spot just behind the Oort Cloud. If this mission fails spectacularly, well, you'll know why.
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Excerpt: "The biggest problem... is the proton radius... with a computer of enough power, she could compute the proton's radius exactly, and we could know what theory actually predicts... " Dr. Godley: Silly scientists. The radius of the proton is whatever His Hole-yness wants it to be. On days when He's feeling optimistic about the fate of the galaxy, the radius is larger. On days when He's feeling not so optimistic about the fate of the galaxy, it's not just smaller, it shrinks to a singularity. Next day, He's feeling good again, the singularity explodes and another universe is born. Easy, peasy. Article here
Excerpt: "South Korean pastor Lee Jaerock... was convicted... of the multiple rape of eight female followers - some of whom believed he was God - and jailed for 15 years." Dr. Godley: Let's do some math here. Multiple implies more than two. Since these ladies thought he was God they probably did the Lord's work with this creep at least 10 times each. Eight followers times 10 rapes = 240 total rapes for which he receives 15 years = or 5,475 days, which works out to 68 days per rape. Perhaps as punishment these ladies could be given a new meat cleaver every 68 days? From Verse 1:4:1 in the Book of Revenge we read: "A tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye, an inch for an inch."  Article here Excerpt: "People visiting the famous Kotel this week filmed the serpent wriggling out from between the ancient stones... reportedly a sign of the return of the Messiah... 'We are truly in the dangerous times... the evil inclination, personified by the snake in Eden, will... come and drink sustenance from the enormous levels of holiness that will appear in the world in the end-of-days." Dr. Godley: No comment. I need a drink.  Article here Excerpt: "Scientists have finally confirmed that the massive object at the heart of our galaxy is, in fact, a supermassive black hole... For a long time, scientists have assumed that a supermassive black hole exists at the heart of our galaxy and most other galaxies..." Dr. Godley: These "scientists" have yet to discover that the massive black object at the center of each galaxy isn't just a hole. It's a distant cousin, twice removed, of The Hole-y Donut. To overlook these familial relationships is to disrespect His Hole-yness. And we all know what can happen when you do that (boils, poxes, famine, Justin Bieber...). Article here
Excerpt: "... the fastest growing religious group in America... [are] people who don't hold any firm religious beliefs... [a] recent Pew Research Center poll that found 62 Americans hold New Age beliefs, such as astrology and the presence of spiritual energy in trees or mountains..." Dr. Godley: Unlike the rest of these mamby, pamby sky worshipers, we Donutarians do indeed hold firm to our religious beliefs, the biggest being that The Hole-y D(o)nut is the center of all being. That all is within Him and without Him. So there. But just between you and me, to get our worldwide evangelical mission of peace, love and cash flow really rolling, we need to get everyone onboard the tithing bandwagon, tree huggers and mountain worshipers alike. For truly, are are welcome with Him. All major credit cards accepted. Can anyone deny the truth of this? He is with us everywhere. Believers will be spared total destruction. And for just $1 a month under our brand new, about-to-be-released Worldwide Injury Mitigation Program (WIMP), believers will be spared from any and all misfortune, including but not limited to: calamity, malfeasance, fraud, insurrection, civil unrest, invasion, bankruptcy and STDs. While those big megachurches demand that you tithe 10% right off the top of your children's college fund, His Hole-yness asks for very little. Why should a little belief insurance get in the way of that next trip to Atlantic City? Which just goes to show you that, here at The Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we really do care. So why not show that YOU care by chipping in a little. Would it kill you? 
Apparently, being high up in the sky gets you closer to God. But how? Is this an issue of proximity? We thought God was everywhere. Is He hard of hearing? So why aren't all churches situated on the tops of high mountains?  Just then you thought monotheism couldn't get any more entertaining, here we see a priest who engages in ritual cannibalism each weekend (symbolically drinking blood as wine... nothing unusual in that!) urging that the church place more emphasis on controlling involuntarily flying children.
From the article: "... the Catholic Church requires that each diocese should have a trained exorcist... who knows how to distinguish the signs of demonic possession from those of mental or physical illness." Father Collins remarks, “... as people lose faith in God, they are increasing their interest in the devil and it’s purely morbid... evil... is pure darkness." Dr. Godley suggests that people are not losing their faith in whatever God may represent for them. They are losing their faith in officious tithe-takers who claim to speak for God. And who assigned these people their self-proclaimed roles as special ambassadors for the Almighty? Why, they did. And that will really make your head rotate! The Intergalactic Donut Times Your #1 Source For Breaking Ecumenical News & Information Reporting the scandals, the raids, the ripoffs and the write-offs...  Ace reporter: Faith Divine In a stunning move your reporter is willing to believe about as far as she can throw her laptop, pop millionaire Justin Bieber is canceling his world tour because he's found... Jesus. From The Daily Beast: "This week, the pop star announced that he would be canceling the remainder of his Purpose world tour... taking a professional step back because he has 'rededicated his life to Christ'... Bieber 'may be even planning to start his own church'... Bieber commented... 'My faith grows everyday, so my faith is stronger than two years ago. I'm better, stronger, wiser... kinda'....” Mega-churches are without a doubt the #1 way to suck in money from the masses, a phenomenon that may have caught the young heart throb's attention. This could be a pretty smart move for Bieber who has already proven that a total lack of talent is no obstacle to raking in the big bucks. Here at The Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we warmly welcome competition like this. Although we would warn young Bieber that if he gets a little too popular, His Hole-yness could alter Donutspace - yes, the very fabric of the Universe itself - into a new reality in which Bieber's legion of fans turns on him with torches and pitchforks, storms his stunning $80k a month Los Angeles lake house and tears him apart, limb from limb, like a scene from Braveheart. Should this actually happen, Dr. Godley will of course deny any actual involvement. For the time being, we'll continue to monitor Bieber's conversion to Christ for lucrative updates. If his next world tour should feature the pop sensation being lowered onto the stage, strapped to a giant pulsating phallus in the form of a golden crucifix, our suspense will be over. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SARAH ROGERS/THE DAILY BEAST |
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