Every religion must have its evil side...
And not wishing to be left in the denominational dust, we Donutarians now do as well.
For evil is the necessary counterbalance in the minds of the mystified masses between the forces of good and bad, light and dark, bright and not-so-bright.
After all, if you're going to propel a bunch of sorry sinners into worshipful action, you need more than stained glass windows, rainbows and winning lottery tickets.
You need to shine a little diabolical dark into some light places!
Sure... peace, love and happiness are great.
But sprinkle a little evil into the mix, stir in some brimstone, and what bubbles up?
Now you've got the duality of heaven and hell, the interplay between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, between Santa and...
Hold that thought!
Rearrange the letters in "Santa" and what do you get? "Satan!"
Did you really think that was a coincidence?
Most important of all, if you want to keep that parking lot full on Sunday, without evil there can be no hell.
But without hell, where would organized religion be?
With no hell there's no need for heaven, and there goes your only other choice in afterlife destination planning.
But this is true with all forms of duality.
* With no South pole, there can be no North pole.
* With no politicians, there can be no voters.
* And without the Joker, who needs Batman?
As for joining a church and forking over a dime out of every dollar you earn (after the IRS gets their cut), why bother when everything is going smoothly all the time and there's nothing to be terrified about?
Trust us, overlooking the need for evil is not the way to grease the skids of salvation. We learned that the hard way when Doc Godley needed to pick up a few hours at Walmart.
And so it is that, not wishing to be left in the diabolical dust, we Donutarians decided that we needed our own liturgical arch villain, too.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great fanfare (Joshua, blow that horn!) that we introduce our antithesis to The Hole-y D(o)nut... our counterpart to Beelzebub, our very own, in-house pox production impresario...
Let's give it up for...
Hidden provider of all the dark matter in the universe (physicist alert!).
So evil that even black holes won't let him in.
So evil that when he goes to bed at night he turns off the sun.
So evil that even his own mother won't go near him.
The last time she did he made her hair dryer turn all the way around, added 10 pounds to the bathroom scale, and prevented her from backing up in a straight line.
Now, that's evil!
And to show you how truly creepy this guy is, not only does he play cards with Steven King every full moon, he walks the earth in a politician's shoes and can be seen French kissing babies and butting in at the front of food buffet lines.
He could be your mayor, your governor, even the president himself.
Sometimes he even switches genders.
Well, not really... to cause real mayhem in this world you have to be born a male.
But he's a terrific cross-dresser and once stood in for Michelle Obama at a photo-op.
Yes, evil is the oil in the crankcase of religion, the liturgical lubricant that keeps the wheels of wickedness turning and the ecclesiastical fully employed.
Without the occasional goat's head stigmata appearing on a pizza or a piece of burnt toast, what would become of Baptists in West Virginia?
Without the occasional exorcism story on The Drudge Report, nuns might lose their faith, drop the habit, and take up pole dancing.
Truth is, if we got rid of evil completely... organized religion would implode overnight.
Without evil the entire, multi-millennial mind management project collapses and we are left with nothing but pure love, deep caring for each other, brotherhood, community and a peaceful planet.
And we can't have that!
But sprinkle in a little evil and... oh, what the hell... OPEN WIDE THE DOORS OF HADES... and the real fun begins.
Now you've got 14th century fundamentalist crazies bursting through a time warp into the 21st century and (allegedly) flying planes into buildings, raping women on the streets of London in broad daylight, and dying to get into the afterlife since they actually believe (get this) that there will be a harem full of virgins waiting for them.
Poor guys. What a waste of perfectly good libidos.
Meanwhile, over at the world's biggest church with its very own seat at the United Nations and a vast international network of banks and investments, creepy old men in black robes with a Holy Book in one hand and a candle in the other are making a bee line for the altar boys.
Oooooh, now that's some serious evil!
Aside from needing some serious counseling, in a truly righteous world these guys would have their candle wicks shortened with a meat cleaver, and be forced to spend the rest of their lives eating out of the latrine at Boys Town.
But of course, this isn't a righteous world. And why not?
Now that we have Dark Donut in our family tree, we Donutarians can finally come out of the confessional closet and be a real religion, not just some pseudo sanctimonious mockery of the world's various flavors of organized insanity.
Please forgive us for not telling you about this until now.
We wanted to, we really did, but we just couldn't.
Every time we started to type, Dark Donut made us break out in hives and nearly scratch ourselves to death.
Plus, it started raining frogs here in the office and even the local maid service was too freaked out to come over and clean it up.
But that was then, and now is now.
Or at least it appears to be since our office clocks have finally started running forwards again.
We hope this latest development will help you newcomers take the fast-growing, worldwide phenomenon of Donutarianism a little more seriously, OK?
Act now and join us today while operators are standing by, and we'll throw in a free dinosaur bone and a dog-eared copy of Origin Of The Species.