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The Intergalactic Donut Times Your #1 Source For Breaking Ecumenical News & Information Reporting the scandals, the raids, the ripoffs and the write-offs...  Ace reporter: Faith Divine In a stunning move your reporter is willing to believe about as far as she can throw her laptop, pop millionaire Justin Bieber is canceling his world tour because he's found... Jesus. From The Daily Beast: "This week, the pop star announced that he would be canceling the remainder of his Purpose world tour... taking a professional step back because he has 'rededicated his life to Christ'... Bieber 'may be even planning to start his own church'... Bieber commented... 'My faith grows everyday, so my faith is stronger than two years ago. I'm better, stronger, wiser... kinda'....” Mega-churches are without a doubt the #1 way to suck in money from the masses, a phenomenon that may have caught the young heart throb's attention. This could be a pretty smart move for Bieber who has already proven that a total lack of talent is no obstacle to raking in the big bucks. Here at The Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we warmly welcome competition like this. Although we would warn young Bieber that if he gets a little too popular, His Hole-yness could alter Donutspace - yes, the very fabric of the Universe itself - into a new reality in which Bieber's legion of fans turns on him with torches and pitchforks, storms his stunning $80k a month Los Angeles lake house and tears him apart, limb from limb, like a scene from Braveheart. Should this actually happen, Dr. Godley will of course deny any actual involvement. For the time being, we'll continue to monitor Bieber's conversion to Christ for lucrative updates. If his next world tour should feature the pop sensation being lowered onto the stage, strapped to a giant pulsating phallus in the form of a golden crucifix, our suspense will be over. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SARAH ROGERS/THE DAILY BEAST
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 "...Throughout history... demonic possession has been a common misdiagnosis for all kinds of ailments... In retrospect, it is often revealed that many of these people suffer from disorders like schizophrenia or epilepsy... In recent years, stories of exorcisms involving people being beaten, poisoned, stomped, and starved to death have made global headlines."
Dr. Godley speaks: Dear Children of the D(o)nut. Do you feel possessed by demons just beyond your control? No, I am not speaking of politicians. If there is any exorcism to be done in this world, it is to to purge humanity of organized religiosity and it's Bronze Age approach to the Age of Information. Here at the Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we perform no exorcisms. But we do enjoy watching the Catholics go at it! There's nothing like watching a solemn and salaried church worker in a plain black outfit (certainly nothing like the Christian Dior creations the Pope wears!) waving beads and screaming at some poor, confused soul while admonishing an invisible, nonexistent demon to exit the premises to remind us that there is far more value in life in worshiping The D(o)nut who never asks anything more of us than to exercise reason and common sense. Of course, centuries of reason and common sense don't erect magnificent cathedrals, so please be sure to Dough-nate on the way out. Remember, a full donation plate is a happy donation plate!  Vatican police have raided a cardinal's apartment where a drug-fueled homosexual orgy was taking place. "... When police showed up at the apartment, they reportedly found drugs and a group of men engaged in sexual activity... Pope Francis was infuriated by the news... Four years into his papacy the Catholic Church appears racked by conflict and scandal."
Dr. Godley here. I am truly aghast. How could these religious amateurs let themselves get caught like this? You'd think that after hundreds of years of gay orgies and "servicing" young boys the Vatican would have learned a thing or two about discretion! This is not good for organized religion, not good at all. But fortunately, as disorganized as we are here at the Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut, it's terrific for us! In fact our ethics are so advanced and our morals so pure that we had to look up the word "orgy" just to figure out what's going on. If you're not getting all the "action" you need from your church, join ours! Know this. We will always bend over to please you. |
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