Doc Godley's Blog
The Intergalactic Donut Times
Your #1 Source For Breaking Ecumenical News & Information
Reporting the scandals, the raids, the ripoffs and the write-offs...
Ace reporter: Faith Divine
In a stunning move your reporter is willing to believe about as far as she can throw her laptop, pop millionaire Justin Bieber is canceling his world tour because he's found... Jesus.
From The Daily Beast:
"This week, the pop star announced that he would be canceling the remainder of his Purpose world tour... taking a professional step back because he has 'rededicated his life to Christ'... Bieber 'may be even planning to start his own church'... Bieber commented... 'My faith grows everyday, so my faith is stronger than two years ago. I'm better, stronger, wiser... kinda'....”
Mega-churches are without a doubt the #1 way to suck in money from the masses, a phenomenon that may have caught the young heart throb's attention.
This could be a pretty smart move for Bieber who has already proven that a total lack of talent is no obstacle to raking in the big bucks.
Here at The Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we warmly welcome competition like this.
Although we would warn young Bieber that if he gets a little too popular, His Hole-yness could alter Donutspace - yes, the very fabric of the Universe itself - into a new reality in which Bieber's legion of fans turns on him with torches and pitchforks, storms his stunning $80k a month Los Angeles lake house and tears him apart, limb from limb, like a scene from Braveheart.
Should this actually happen, Dr. Godley will of course deny any actual involvement.
For the time being, we'll continue to monitor Bieber's conversion to Christ for lucrative updates.
If his next world tour should feature the pop sensation being lowered onto the stage, strapped to a giant pulsating phallus in the form of a golden crucifix, our suspense will be over.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SARAH ROGERS/THE DAILY BEAST
"...Throughout history... demonic possession has been a common misdiagnosis for all kinds of ailments... In retrospect, it is often revealed that many of these people suffer from disorders like schizophrenia or epilepsy... In recent years, stories of exorcisms involving people being beaten, poisoned, stomped, and starved to death have made global headlines."
Dr. Godley speaks: Dear Children of the D(o)nut. Do you feel possessed by demons just beyond your control? No, I am not speaking of politicians.
If there is any exorcism to be done in this world, it is to to purge humanity of organized religiosity and it's Bronze Age approach to the Age of Information. Here at the Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we perform no exorcisms. But we do enjoy watching the Catholics go at it!
There's nothing like watching a solemn and salaried church worker in a plain black outfit (certainly nothing like the Christian Dior creations the Pope wears!) waving beads and screaming at some poor, confused soul while admonishing an invisible, nonexistent demon to exit the premises to remind us that there is far more value in life in worshiping The D(o)nut who never asks anything more of us than to exercise reason and common sense.
Of course, centuries of reason and common sense don't erect magnificent cathedrals, so please be sure to Dough-nate on the way out. Remember, a full donation plate is a happy donation plate!
Vatican police have raided a cardinal's apartment where a drug-fueled homosexual orgy was taking place. "... When police showed up at the apartment, they reportedly found drugs and a group of men engaged in sexual activity... Pope Francis was infuriated by the news... Four years into his papacy the Catholic Church appears racked by conflict and scandal."
Dr. Godley here. I am truly aghast. How could these religious amateurs let themselves get caught like this? You'd think that after hundreds of years of gay orgies and "servicing" young boys the Vatican would have learned a thing or two about discretion!
This is not good for organized religion, not good at all. But fortunately, as disorganized as we are here at the Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut, it's terrific for us!
In fact our ethics are so advanced and our morals so pure that we had to look up the word "orgy" just to figure out what's going on. If you're not getting all the "action" you need from your church, join ours!
Know this. We will always bend over to please you.
Unbeknownst to the good citizens of Denver, Colorado a new home delivery service of sacred worship victuals is being tested by his Hole-yness in an area on the left side of America where crazy ideas are nothing new and his secret global expansion plans cannot be discovered by infidels.
Yes, it's donut home delivery by drone! While Catholics still drive to church and kneel before the altar to receive communion bread crumbs and grape juice, Denver Donutarians will soon enjoy having their Hole-y donuts (and other sacramental food items like pizzas, but only round ones of course) delivered straight to their hammock, hot tub or perhaps even straight down their chimney, assuming that there are no decaying Santa remains blocking the way.
This is an exciting development in the spread of Donutarianism that we wanted to be sure to keep you abreast of. Speaking of breasts, exotic show girls in Las Vegas last week were seen covering their you-know-whats with a pair of tiny donuts in recognition of National Donut Day.
We can't thank you enough, ladies, for helping us to, er, expand the word. For truly as it is written in the Book of Mammaries at verse ICU812, "Three would be odd, but two are better than one."
From the original article:
"A pastor has been killed after he was eaten by three crocodiles while trying to walk on water... All that was left of him was his underwear and his sandals... Eyewitness Deacon Nkosi told the Daily Post: ‘We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week. They finished him in a couple of minutes'."
Dr. Godley: What a terrible way to go. Swimming, that is. Here at the Church of D(o)nutarianism we always recommend looking both ways before you walk on water.
Mere astronomers report that 'Black Holes May Be Way More Murderous Than We Realized' ... an unsuspecting star wanders too close... only to get ripped apart by the black hole’s gravity... central supermassive black holes... merge together."
But of course. We D(o)nutarians have know this all along. Black holes eating entire star systems will eventually lead to a single, mega-monster black hole, existing alone at the center of the universe.
The ultimate fruition of the faith!
No more galaxies, no more stars. Just His H(o)ley-ness... alone in what used to be the universe ... having eaten all of the other gods ... back to where He started ... ready to vomit out a new universe and begin all over again (mere astronomers call this the 'Big Bang') ... it's all so, so... (sniffle, honk) ... beautiful!
"Throughout history, volcanoes have inspired fear... killing thousands... and turning vast areas into a desert of fire, ashes and sulfuric gases... Should nearby residents... panic?... Unfortunately, there is nothing they can do..."
Dr. Godley: So many holy books I could mention (ahem) are full of prophecies that somehow never seem to happen. Sometimes it seems like you just can't find a decent apocalyptic forecast any more.
Which is why we Donutarians open our Book of The Torus at Elections 20:16 and are comforted to read: "For the TRUMPet shall sound and the highest 'HILL' made small."
Egad! Such prescience! Such accuracy!
And so, Dear Friends, I have been asked to warn you that the D(O)NUT is not pleased ... not pleased at all... at the way certain people have behaved over the outcome of the recent U.S. presidential election.
Remember, He is always watching. He knows who's naughty, who's nice and who's just plain annoying.
And He wants you to know.... THERE ARE NO 'SAFE SPACES'!
"The Consumer Claims Tribunal was set up to allow consumers to file claims in a speedy and inexpensive manner... But it has seen some really strange cases... And one of the weirdest was when a man complained about a bomoh who apparently did not live up to the promise of chasing away spirits haunting his ailing father... The bomoh had claimed that the 70-something father was tormented by nine different spirits... the family forked out RM810 to the 'bomoh' to get rid of the nine spirits... As it turned out... the bomoh failed to cure the man's father even after nine treatments... The man said his father's condition worsened and he died a few months later."
Dr. Godley: Fork over some dough for our Instant Exorcism package and we'll get rid of 100% of your spirits. We'll even throw in a free crucifix you can wave around in case the devil tries to sneak back in while you're watching reruns of The Adams Family.
"Imposing a maximum prison sentence of 10 years for slaughtering a cow and five years for selling the meat, the state of Haryana’s legislation is in line with Prime Minister Narendra Modi and his ruling Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party’s crackdown on beef consumption... Since his election in 2014, Modi has stressed the importance of Hinduism to India’s identity.... In Mewat, a majority Muslim district, the recently formed Cow Protection Task Force heard rumors that street vendors were cooking their biryani with beef... the police lab has yet to publish findings... on whether the rice dishes contained the outlawed meat."
Dr. Godley: It is seldom that I am without words. This is one of those times.
From this amazing(!) article we read:
"The team of researchers claim that... the idea of parallel universes is more than just science fiction... in some universes the dinosaur-killing asteroid missed Earth... the worlds are all real, and all on the same timeline, but interact when they essentially bump into each other."
An Now... Dr. J. Darwin Godley:
"Allow me to explain, Dear Ones. When one passes throught the HOLE in the DONUT, one finds one's self in the same situation as Alice when she stepped through the mirror into the Looking Glass world.
"In this new world Alice found everything to be identical, but somehow not quite the same! Were she so step back through the mirror again, her original reality would longer exist. It was altered by the mere fact of stepping through the portal. As the song says, you can never go home.
"So we see that his HOLE-yness has allowed a universe in which all possiblities not only can occur, they do occur. And simultaneously in an infinity of parallel, interconnected universes, all thanks to HIM who is everywhere and nowhere at once.
"Do you see? Do see you? You do see? See you do? See do you?"