The Way of The DONUT
From Your Brain to God's Ear?
Donutarians are well aware of the shocking truth about prayer.
But being the loving and all-knowing religion that we are, we gladly share these truths with you now. You're welcome.
However... we must WARN you that this page will be tough for some readers to handle. In fact, it could shatter your epistemological paradigm into a million stained glass pieces.
If that concerns you, Dear Believer, we pray (sorry) that you stop reading right here! OK, you asked for it...
What Is The TRUTH About Prayer and Praying?
Not what you've been told, that's for sure. And certainly not what you've been led to believe. See? Just five paragraphs in and we're into belief already.
Sure, prayer can make you feel good. Praying goes nicely with other ephemeral activities like wishing and hoping (we love Dusty Springfield!) and will be around for as long as there are people.
And nothing beats hoping like wishing for positive results delivered by an invisible sky being lurking somewhere beyond the rainbow, to uplift and elevate you above the often harsh and cruel plane of human existence.
In fact, hope - and its associated mental exercise program, prayer - is so important to the Organized Religion Control Grid (ORCG) that churches big enough to cut lucrative tax-exempt deals (names withheld to protect the penitent) all employ paid sales professionals (priests, pastors, rabbis) to assist the flock in their praying.
As witness of this fact, you can frequently hear tax-exempt clergy saying things like, "Let us bow our heads and pray together."
Praying in a group setting enhances a sense of community among parishioners who got dressed up and drove all the way over to meet together in a designated structure (church, temple, sweat lodge...) to pray together, comfortable in the certainty that their prayers will be heard since the very act of group praying surely must concentrate the solitary, and necessarily weak, prayer beams of the individual into a Jumbo Group Prayer Transmission Signal (JGPTS) that, like turning up the "gain" on a radio broadcast, allows the combined prayers of the assembled to be heard all the way up in "Heaven," no matter how far away from Earth that may be.
FREE CLERICAL MARKETING TIP!: We all know how badly church attendance numbers are falling these days, and praying together is a terrific tool in the clergyman's parishioner retention toolbox.
Those of you running churches during this era of imploding church attendance statistics would be wise to start some "quickie" prayer meetups.
We suggest an outdoor gathering, like a Drive-In Theater, where the worshipful can pull into a spot, any time of the day, turn their radio to the Prayer Channel, pray to themselves in silent solidarity with other believing motorists for maybe 1-3 minutes, then continue with their commute, shopping and other mercantile activities.
Just have them install the "Quickie Pray Fast" app on their smart phone and swipe it when they drive through the "Pray Gate."
We hope this helps. If it boosts collections at your church, perhaps you'll consider tithing 10% to ours! Click here for more on this sensitive yet lucrative subject.]
Prayer As Connection With The Great Beyond
To be fair, prayer can provide a warm and glowing sense of connection to the Great Beyond and is even known to have therapeutic meditative benefits, such as the lowering of blood pressure, slowing of pulse rate and the like.
Of course to be fair, you can achieve the exact same results by meditating on a candle flame, a swinging amulet (wait, that's hypnotism... sorry), or repeatedly saying a nice, mellifluous sound to yourself inside your head like "love," "one," or "Hillary."
But when you pray, are you actually talking to an invisible sky being of your choice? Or are you really just...
Talking To Yourself?
Proof of this is the millions of sick and dying people who pray to their God every day...
...and die anyway.
Then there are the people who pray to God for self-centered personal items like a new bicycle, a better job, a better looking spouse, things like that.
The results? Basically 50/50, exactly the random output you'd expect. You know... belief in, chaos out?
Then there are those who when feeling humanitarian pray for global peace, nicer bike paths, an end to world hunger, etc.
Quite obviously, none of their prayers have ever been answered since global peace is far less peaceful today than in the days of Abraham, and more people today are hungrier than ever before.
So Is Praying All For Naught?
Aren't you glad you stayed with us?
Because there is indeed (O)ne who listens to your prayers... who wants you to pray, and often!
The Hole-y D(o)nut
Pray for anything you need and He listens. Pray for anything you want and He hears you. He even hears you on all frequencies (including ULF and X-band)!
And only He hears you since he cleverly blocks prayer transmissions to those lesser Gods (Yahweh, The Great Spirit, He Whose Name Cannot Be Spoken, etc.) using advanced metaphysical jamming techniques unknown to mere science.
Meaning that every single prayer... every single minute of every single day... by every single praying person on this entire planet... is being diverted RIGHT THIS SECOND from its intended destination... and redirected into the center of the Great C(o)smic D(o)nut H(o)le, the largest parabolic dish in the entire Universe, where all prayers are gathered, downloaded, archived, sorted and upvoted by:
Then downvoted by
* Shelf life
The result is a vast catalog of a near-infinite number of prayers, all meticulously categorized and cross-indexed, that his H(o)le-yness can punch up on his Galaxy Smartphone and listen to any time he likes, even when vacationing in the Supervoid just south of the constellation Eridanus in the southern galactic hemisphere.
Yes, Virginia, Your Prayers Do Not Go Unheard
OK, sure... maybe by their intended recipient. But not by His H(o)ley-ness! No, siree, he's got you covered from Arcturus to Zeus.
So Pray, People!
Say it loud and say it proud (even if mumbled under your breath or silently inside your head).
Know that you are not alone... that you're not just talking to yourself... that you are in fact talking to Him who truly does love you.
And love doesn't come cheap these days, so be sure to dough-nate on the way out.
Need more money yourself? You might have to pray for that.