The Way of The DONUT
Donations 1040: "For He shall smite the stingy and cause a pox of carbuncles to fall upon them."
Without Money, What Would Religion Be?
That's right, just another bearded holy guy sitting under a tree with a tin cup in his hand, mumbling something about salvation.
Who would pay the slightest bit of attention? Not us, that's for sure!
But throw in an impressive structure complete with flying buttresses, stained glass windows, a steeple reaching towards heaven, some spectacular runway outfits and a lavish ham-and-bean supper and you've got yourself a church, son!
Yes, when it comes to passing the plate... we're talking big time revenue collection... you have to stand in awe of those mega-religions that really know how to rake it in. Compared to them we're mere pikers.
One big-time religion we could name (you may have heard of them?) owns its own freaking city in the center of Rome, Italy, plus tax-exempt properties worth trillions of dollars all over the world. They've got their own banks, vaults full of gold and politicians in their pockets. Jesus might call this a real miracle!
Then there's that recent modern religion that some science fiction writer named Ron cooked up back in the 50's that charges you the really big bux for a never-ending series of courses to go all the way "up the Bridge" to ultimate enlightenment (while sung to the tune of Somewhere Over The Rainbow?).
How Can We Donutarians Possibly Compete?
Heck, all we have are donuts, for God's sake. True, they come in a tasty variety of choices, cream fillings and even sprinkles, but we're a long way from Kansas when it comes to filling our coffers with truckloads of mean green.
Which brings us to you, Dear Believer. And that's just the point!
It doesn't matter what you believe. You can believe in tortured prophets, worldwide floods (so why didn't Moses save two dinosaurs?), the moon and the stars too.
And We LOVE You Anyway
But, sadly, this kind of universal, full-spectrum, all-forgiving, all-embracing love (uh, uh, uhhh... no touchy!) doesn't come cheap these days. So be sure to dig deep and dough-nate on the way out (genuflecting optional).
Need some more money yourself?
Here's a FREE Fund Raising Tip
Got a good-looking kid with a bicycle and a clean white shirt? Want to guarantee them a special place in the later life?*
Send them door-to-door and see if you can get folks to fork over a fiver to His H(o)le-yness. If they do, give them a brochure and a free donut. You should see some nice profit margins there.
* We Donutarians don't call it the afterlife which sounds so, you know, final?