OK, We Admit It...
We had to come clean. The guilt was killing us. We're a sham, a complete and utter fraud. It's true (sniffle). We lack so many essential attributes of a real church... so many official trappings of organized religiosity that we could hardly qualify as a church at all. 

The government is never going to grant us tax exemption like those big boys. What a bummer. We could use the money too. The following is just a partial list of all that we are missing. ​

* No infidels
* No steeples
* No hair shirts
* No holy water
* No sack cloth
* No virgin births
* No boiling in oil
* No pearly gates
* No smoking urns
* No casting spells
* No somber music
* No arcane symbols
* No spooky language
* No tortured prophets
* No curses, no plagues
* No angels, no demons
* No expensive costumes 
* No stretching on the rack
* No symbolic disinterment
* No symbolic wine or wafers
* No competing splinter sects
* No dungeons, no inquisitions
* No vendettas, no imprecations
* No self-scourging or flagellation
* No voodoo, chants or incantations
* No pretending to moral superiority
* No stigmata, no miracles, no magic
* No wrath, no vengeance, no smiting
* No smoking chalices or special dishware
* No guilt, no prenatal shame, no damnation
* No lightning hurled down upon our enemies
* No dark clothing, robes, sashes and diadems
* No sprinkled waters or baptismal immersions
* No crusades, no evangelizing, no door to door sales
* No incantations, spells, demon evictions or seances
* No jealous sky beings demanding tribute and devotion
* No skull caps, ritual rings or prayer shawls (sin as you are)