The Truth About the Artist Formerly Known As "Santa"
A Warning To Sensitive Readers
The following may be difficult to believe, even for those readers who are accustomed to believing a great many things without any facts whatsoever!
You may wish to stop right here and go say a novena.
Still with us? OK, you asked for it...
Here it is, right between the epistemological eyes.
You know that allegedly jolly guy who comes around each year on December 25th?
That corpulent, pagan elf... riding around in a sled pulled by magical flying reindeer and escorted into North American airspace by NORAD fighter jets?
Yes, that guy.
The same guy who spies on you all year long, watching every move you make.
As the song says:
"He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!"
This guy keeps a list of who's naughty and who's nice so that when he sneaks into your house on Christmas eve, usually down the chimney, he can put presents under the tree, or a lump of coal in your stocking.
Parents for thousands of years have kept their children in line through pure terror of being judged by this leading expert in magical mind control who is said to live at the North Pole, although no evidence of his hideout can be found on Google Earth.
Well, guess what? The joke is on you, Christmas shoppers.
Santa Claus isn't just another magical sky being.
He's also the biggest practical joker in the entire known firmament since Santa Claus is actually... (wait for it) ... GOD!
That's right, Santa and GOD are one and the same!
Forget all that father, son and Holy Ghost stuff.
That's just for tourists.
The same God who visited mankind as Zeus now prances around the globe on Christmas each year, disguised in a red, fur-trimmed tutu as - ta, da! - Santa Claus.
What a hoot!!
And what better way to gain the hearts (and cripple the minds) of people everywhere than to get them believing in mystical nonsense right out of the cradle, cruelly crushing that belief at around the age of 10, then refilling their aching ontological emptiness with a lifetime of happy belief in the biggest, imaginary sky-dwelling being of all: GOD!
Forget lumps of coal... we're talking HELL!
"Be good for goodness sake," or you're looking at an eternity of unrelenting torture (with zero chance of forgiveness) from a guy who loves you so much that he tortured his own SON to death.
And you're thinking... he wouldn't do that to YOU, too? Wanna' bet?
So you'd better believe... right?... otherwise the consequences could be too grim to contemplate.
Like not getting that to-die-for My LIttle Pony, or that terrific glow-in-the-dark Star Wars light saber!
Allow us at this time to interrupt your regularly programmed belief systems and ask:
Have you really thought this through?
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a lifetime of unconscious clerical conditioning, have you ever considered WASHING YOUR OWN BRAIN?
As far as all the ongoing (and angry!) debate between science and religion, where scientists say "Show us" and the religious say "Believe us", for the first time in human history we now offer you the actual SCIENTIFIC FORMULA for converting reality into belief.
Joshua, blow that trumpet!, because here we reveal to the world:
THE SCIENTIFIC FORMULA FOR BELIEF:
[(Fear of Death) * (Wishes + Hopes)]
-------------------------------------------- = Money
(Facts + Reality)
But wait... there's more!
If we enlighten the mind with an understanding of the quantum nature of consciousness, combined with the fact that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, we can now set (Fear of Death) equal to "0".
Using simple algebraic substitution we get:
[ ZERO * (Wishes + Hopes)]
--------------------------------- = ZERO Money!
(Facts + Reality)
That's right, goys and girls.
With Fear of Death removed, the equation collapses to ZERO, which leaves organized religions everywhere totally and utterly BROKE!
As can readily be seen, clerical cash flow appears to vary in direct, inverse proportion to EDUCATION!
To which we can only add (sing along, children):
"And the walls came a-tumblin' down!"