Has a meteorite ever hit your house?
Probably not, right?
Has a bridge ever collapsed onto your car?
Well, not yet anyway.
Has a sink hole ever appeared in your back yard?
Not that you're aware of.
And why not?
Because The Hole-y D(o)nut hears your prayers.
But, you say, you haven't been praying to His H(o)le-yness, you've been praying to your God.
We hate to break it to you (take a deep breath here), but all of your prayers - every single payer you've ever prayed - has been hijacked by His H(o)le-yness on the way to your God.
We know, this may be deeply upsetting.
But please believe (and belief plays a key role in all of this), it's only to keep you safe!
Allow us to explain.
[And this won't be easy to hear, so pour yourself a stiff one and buckle in tight because this is sure to rock your religious rumble seat.]
Did the people who got washed away in the great Tsunami of 2005 get saved by their Gods?
No, sadly, they did not.
They got washed away.
Did the people who lived in the paths of the great California fires of 2018 avoid having their homes burned to the ground and everything they owned destroyed?
Sorry, again no dice, they lost everything: the cash they had stuffed in the sofa, even their children's precious baby pictures... all gone.
So why didn't their God prevent this?
It can't possibly be the case that all of these gods don't care enough to save their people.
Can you imagine worshipping a god who doesn't care and will send you to hell anyway?
That's the kind of behavior one would expect from a hardened career gangster, not a divine omniscient being with intelligent design sense.
Hmmm... perhaps the reason for all of these unfortunate calamities points to a defect in the prayer process itself.
Perhaps these people weren't praying hard enough, often enough, long enough, or loud enough?
Perhaps they weren't praying in the correct position... you know, on their knees in genuine supplication?
Perhaps they weren't sincere enough in their prayers and their God could see through their self-serving insincerity?
We certainly don't.
All we do know is that IT DIDN'T WORK!
And it's so sad.
Billions of people every minute of every day launching quadrillions of prayers into the sky like so many messages-in-a-bottle in hopes of having them answered, only to be drowned, burned out of their homes, crushed by falling bridges, swallowed up in sink holes or hit by meteorites.
It makes you wonder whether all of these prayers were merely SUGGESTIONS?
But wait... could there be another explanation?
One that even the most respected and well-published theologian wouldn't think of in a million eons?
You read it here first, Dear Reader.
And we're happy to include you among the Selected People (we went for Chosen People but it was already taken).
You've hear of the giant radio dish in Arecibo, Puerto Rico, where not only can you get a terrific bean burrito, but astronomers search for quasars, black holes and bathing beauties in string bikinis using the world's largest radio dish?
Well, take our word for it, the Super Colossal D(o)nut Hole at the center of the galaxy is w-a-y bigger.
And so exquisitely sensitive that it hears every single prayer being sent to every single God, from every being in the entire Universe, regardless of location, dimension, species, denomination, amplitude, urgency, intensity, frequency, need or mood.
As prayers are hijacked (er, received) they are translated by the D(o)nutary Prayer Processor and transmitted directly to His H(o)le-yness via subquantum enticement (a step beyond mere entanglement).
Upon receiving these prayers, does His H(o)le-yness cherry pick which ones to act on and which to ignore, like all those other Gods?
No, He does not.
His H(o)le-yness acts instantaneously on every single prayer to save beings everywhere from exploding quasars, divorce and other natural disasters, and it is He who you have to thank all these years for keeping you safe.
So while you may think it's your God who assures that natural disasters like these (and others too horrible to contemplate) don't happen to you, and befall some other poor slob instead, it's actually The H(o)le-y D(o)nut who has been watching (Santa, move over) and protecting you all along.
Keep on praying, because The D(o)nut hears you.
Even if your God is a little too busy.