To Give Is Divine
One of the key features of Donutarianism is our insistence upon honoring all of the world's religions.
We do this through a patented process of random religious rotation in which we get to practice a different religion each day of the year!
We can be a Jew on January 1st, a Baptist on January 2nd, a Scientologist on January 3rd, an Atheist on January 4th ... you get the idea.
In this way we Donutarians get a real feel for the uniquely nutty way in which each religion is practiced.
It's really quite exciting! And who better to manage this annual tilt-a-whirl of religious opportunity than Miss Divine Rotation*, Dr. Godley's personal sect worker (sorry).
* A former ballroom dance instructor for the Republican party, Miss Divine has held some of the biggest balls in the nation.
But where to begin? With only 365 days in a year on which to celebrate the world's hundreds of competing one-and-only-true religions, some type of spiritual selection process must be used. And here is how we do it.
We begin by disqualifying those religions without at least one million adherents. This boils things down to a manageable number of competing belief systems and eliminates those that cannot afford steeples, parking lots and 401k plans.
Each New Years Eve as heathens everywhere are partying in total disregard for their fate, a panel of Bingo officials is assembled to observe the selection process so there can be no possibility of fraud.
We all know that there can't possibly have been any ecclesiastical chicanery or other non-divine intervention in the early formative days of the world's major religions and we certainly don't want to start that trend now.
Exactly 365 balls are purchased from Frank & Marty's Party Supply on 52nd Street (366 balls in a Leap Year) and each ball is marked with the name of a qualifying religion, then placed together into an empty beer keg. Emptying the keg is part of the ceremony and assures that everyone is alert and paying close attention!
Once the balls have been entered, the keg is sealed and rolled around on the floor to shake it up thoroughly and eliminate all doubt of randomness. This scientific procedure assures that each year begins with a fresh assortment of religions in an all-new, exciting line-up!
The keg full of balls is now mounted in an erect position and all eyes are on Miss Divine Rotation as she bends all the way over and slips her hand in deeply to gently feel all of the balls, one by one, before making her first selection.
As tension mounts and the audience goes nuts, the first ball is selected and displays the name of the religion that gets to be celebrated on January 1st! (... last year it was the Cargo Cultists).
The process is repeated until every ball has been lovingly removed, the days of the year are filled with a full collection of sequentially competing religions, and the audience can finally unite in spiritual release as Miss Divine slips into Dr. Godley's study to tell the great man the news and for other purposes.
Bottom line: There is no way the Methodists ever have this much fun, and certainly not the Quakers. If doing your religion the same way each Sunday is getting boring, perhaps it's time to strip off your prejudices and roll with your fellow Donutarians.
After all, variety is the spice of life!