Getting tired of your current religion?
Worried your current God doesn't love you any more? Need a little spice and variety in your deeply held religious beliefs?
Join Us Today!
As a member of The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut you receive the following valuable (dare we say priceless?) gifts from Dr. J. Darwin Godley, available to members only!
1. Your very own personalized Certificate of Religious Freedom, suitable for framing and guaranteed to ward off poxes, carbuncles and raining frogs!
2. One Get Out Of Hell Free Card, good for any number of sins (go ahead, try it!).
3. A copy of Dr. Godley's new book, The Hole-y Donut: Bigger Than Your God, And Tastier!, sure to crush the spirits of jet-setting evangelists everywhere!
4. An Emergency Faith Conversion Voucher. Present this voucher the next time you need to switch religions, even if just for a few hours!
5. Best of all, as a member of our rapidly expanding worldwide irreligious movement, you are automatically enrolled in our brand new Worldwide Injury Mitigation Program (W.I.M.P.).
Under this exciting new, all-calamity-inclusive faith insurance plan, believers will be spared from every conceivable earthly misfortune, including but not limited to:
* civil unrest
* bad puns
* bad dates
* IRS seizures
* brain cancer
* and more!
It's The Ultimate in Life Liability Insurance!
Unlike those basic plans that cover you for everyday stuff like car head-on collisions, slip-and-fall lawsuits and heart transplants, W.I.M.P. protects you from having your house suddenly drop into a giant sinkhole in the middle of the night!
Or from getting hit by a speeding micrometeorite that comes crashing through the roof of your house and pulverizes you just as you're slipping into the tub for a nice, relaxing soak!
Like NASA's every going to see that coming, right?
And while those big megachurches demand that you tithe 10% right off the top of your children's college fund, His Hole-yness asks for very little to save you from complete and utter destruction.... just $5 a month gets you the ultimate in life liability insurance.
Do you want your deeply held beliefs to remain uninsured? We didn't think so.
Which is why we wanted to make our W.I.M.P. all-calamity protection plan as affordable as possible.
And you can have this protection now, plus all of the exciting parishioner advantages above, for the low, low price of just 5 bucks a month.
Heck, you've paid more than that for a stale latte grande mocha espresso.
Which just goes to show that, here at The Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut we really do care. You do believe us, don't you?
For truly, He is with us everywhere. Can anyone deny the truth of this?
The choice is yours: uncertainty on a fragile, tiny planet run by mostly insane people, or total security, now and forever.
So won't you join today?
Come believe with us be spared from total destruction.