"It's amazing how many religions these humans can fall for."
The Hole-y Donut was enjoying a drink after hours at the D(o)nut Divinity conference with Glork, reigning deity of the unicellular Raptulous race from galaxy 823,066,470,938 in the Local Magellanic Cloud.
His Hole-yness (a/k/a "B.B." to close friends) sponsors these "All Deities On Deck" conferences every time the universe collapses into a singularity (which was really Him, of course), to give the many billions of gods, demi-gods, demons, angels and fairies throughout the galaxy an opportunity to meet, socialize and discuss the latest research into ways and means of captivating the galaxy's trillions of life forms into a single religious observance.
"Otherwise, as His Hole-yness pointed out to Glork, our days are numbered!"
"Take Earthlings for example. Please, take Earthlings!"
Glork chuckled at the joke.
His Hole-yness was known to be a fan of Earth comedians, including the late, Saint George of Carlin, now entertaining audiences in the trillions in the Later Life.
"On Earth, with less than 8 billion sentient bipeds, some of which are gorillas, monkeys and liberals, there are at least 2,000 distinct and separate religions.
"But that's only if we count actual religions as religions too."
Glork had absolutely no idea what was meant by that remark, but he couldn't afford to show it since, after all, His Hole-yness was the ultimate source of energy at the precise center of All That Is Or Ever Will Be, and could be truly fearsome when irritated.
And it wasn't always possible to know whether DT was serious or just kidding.
"What I mean to say is that we must also include all of those crazy pseudo-religions these bipeds cook up, like government taxation, retirement planning and global warming.
Glork relaxed and let out a deep breath as His Hole-yness continued.
"These beings are beyond gullible. All that is required are some stern pronouncements, a few ginned up research studies, and endless pounding via their primitive electromagnetic visual display systems and you've got yourself a religion, son!
"These Earthlings actually believe that cow flatulence and fossil fuel tailpipe emissions will alter the course of their weather in the near term so as to turn their planet into an uninhabitable hot house, even though gaseous emissions from volcanoes send more CO2 into the atmosphere than all the cows that ever lived on Earth."
Glork roared at this one, causing the known universe to shudder ever so slightly and sending billions of comets crashing into unwitting life forms.
"Ooops!," quipped His Hole-yness, "Let's try to keep keep the cosmic background radiation down to a dull roar, shall we, Glork?"
"Anyway, as I was saying, a carbon-based demigod named Algore persuaded these credulous Earthlings to cough up taxes to a planetary agency called their United Nations. Every nation is required to pitch in, but those with a higher "carbon footprint" pay even more.
"Some of this tax money then gets redistributed to those nations with a lower footprint. Meanwhile, Algore and his cronies stand in the middle of this swindle, collecting fees for brokering the transactions.
"If I had any sense I'd get Zeus to hurl a lightning bolt down on Algore's house. But that might encourage his followers to switch their adulation to Paganism, and our boy, Doc Godley really needs the money.
"I must say, we have done a pretty good job of reducing the followers of Yahweh ever since we got the old duffer into the Deity Protection Program. It's pretty hard to believe in a god who never shows up, while letting babies, cripples and the elderly die in hurricanes and tsunamis.
"Take those Catholics, for example. They're pretty much on the ropes. I'd give them another few hundred solar rotations to disappear completely. God only knows what mythology their believers will cling to next."
Glork could scarcely suppress a chuckle over DT's reference to "God" since His Hole-yness was the default choice in this department, but never referred to Himself this way directly.
"I was speaking with Jesus just the other millennium. He says he's still stunned over how quickly those Earthlings turned his gentle, common sense sayings into planetary crusades, slaughter and conquests, all in the name of brotherly love and "turning the other cheek."
"One can only wonder what kind of cheek they had in mind."
Glork laughed so hard that he spit trillions of gallons of beer into orbit around the galactic center. These would instantly freeze as trillions of comets and fly around the universe, randomly striking planets that would never know what hit them.
"Easy there, Glork, or you'll blow an O-Ring. By the way, we've got Jesus currently deployed in post-religion disaster recovery on the planet Sirius, which is pretty close to Earth as the electron flies.
"The Sirians are on the verge of emerging as a rational, post-religious species, although they still exhibit some vestiges of superstition, like their penchants for astrology, tithing and Powerball lotteries."
"Well, we'd better wrap this up and call it an eon. I've got to catch an early wormhole to Earth tomorrow morning. It's almost December 25th and I've been playing Santa on their planet for thousands of their years now. It's lots of fun, and the exercise keeps me young.
"Come to think of it, I've got to remember to leave a lump of plutonium in Hillary's stocking."