In an effort to bring increased awareness to the now well-established downward trend in global temperatures (Brrrr!), while simultaneously appealing to the 50% of the ostensibly child-bearing populace who identify as female, Dr. J. Darwin Godley today announced the consecration of a brand new chapel, just off of his office and down the hall from the bathroom, designated The Chapel Of Our Lady of Frigid Affairs.
By praying to this all-new Patron Saint of Denial (and dropping off $20 in the collection box), the supplicant can expect improved gas mileage with fewer CO2 emissions, a warmer indoor environment (even with the thermostat turned down), salvation from global famine and starvation, and a successful run by the entity Algore in the next presidential election.
Dr. Godley has written to the former Vice President to suggest that he campaign in a 24/7 Apollo-era space suit with built-in CO2 rebreather. Flatulence occurring within the suit will likewise be neutralized in order to eliminate any trace of personal carbon footprint.
Millennials are expected to go wild and want space suits of their own. This bodes well for the economy since financially strapped parents of 35-year-olds still living at home will be able to place their children into a space suit and move them out to the garage, to be sustained 24/7 in a safe and environmentally sealed entertainment play place, complete with built-in wifi, VR screen and waste incineration.
By using the latest voice recognition (space gloves are too bulky for keyboard use), suit occupants will be able to tutor English to Chinese students, transcribe manuscripts, create voice-overs and perform similar online, revenue generating tasks, all hands-free.
Accumulated work credits will be applied towards feeding packs. Children who accumulate enough credits will be allowed to move back indoors.
It’s initiatives like these that keep the lights on and the machinery of Donutarianism humming. We return you now to your regularly scheduled belief system.