Starting in the early afternoon of August 21, 2017, marveling Americans from coast-to-coast clogged roads, parking lots (and toilets) to ooh and awe at the total solar eclipse that traveled diagonally downwards from northwest Washington state to the lower east coast of the United States, leaving millions of sky gazers in a rapidly moving swath of near total darkness for a few minutes.
Sadly, 99% of these earthlings remain in the dark today, failing to understand that what they observed was no ordinary unusual phenomenon. No, this was a very unusual unusual phenomenon indeed.
For during those few moments, when it was safe to stare at the "sun" (as humans are known to refer to their central star), we Donutarians knew in our hearts that what was blotting out its fiery rays was actually not the moon, but the Great D(o)nut H(o)le.
Rare as they are, appearances like these by His H(o)le-yness have occurred on numerous occasion through humanity's long and excruciatingly s-l-o-w development on this tiny planet called "Earth."
A little back story is required here. You see, every once in a while (could be millennia, epochs, even entire eons) and just for chuckles, His H(o)le-yness drifts into a galaxy to play with the minds of its inhabitants.
By rendering himself invisible and adjusting the size of his Great (O)rifice to center it directly over the central star of the visited solar system He can make their sun disappear for as long as likes.
What a character!
During one particularly prolonged solar eclipse as translated from an ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablet, the sky remained dark for over 1,000 years!!
What actually happened (and no geologist or other mere scientist has picked up on this yet) is that His H(o)le-yness, tired from a long trip from the other side of the Great Omentum, dozed off while remaining positioned directly over Earth's sun, thereby inadvertently wiping out all plant life, starving the dinosaurs of food and allowing small, furry mammals to work their way up the evolutionary food chain.
One can only imagine His embarrassment. To throw everyone off the trail He tossed a comet into the Yucatan peninsula, then sprinkled a light layer of rubidium all over the Earth to make it look as though He had... uhh... nothing to do with it!
These types of divine intercessions are among the reasons why faithful Donutarians feel safe in their bosoms knowing that, whatever happens (and it's always possible that some serious galactic sh*t could come down at any time) He is always there for us: to care for us, to spare us harm and to dare us to disbelieve in Him.
[Not recommended. Prolonged disbelief may result in warts, carbuncles and other unpleasant divine intervention. See clergy for guidance.]
So the next time so-called scientists tell you there is an eclipse coming, prepare to position yourself directly in the path of his Divine Revelation, smiling and even smirking to yourself in the secret knowledge that the moon* has been nudged out of the way for a few minutes and replaced with a manifestation from the creator of all that every was or ever will be (your mileage may vary)... His H(o)le-yness.
* We hope you're sitting down... but the moon is known to be hollow. Yup. As in, nothing but empty space in the middle! NASA figured that out long ago.
Google "Moon rings like a bell" and prepare to be amazed!
Yes, friends, the moon is an artificial satellite, parked in orbit around the Earth billions of years ago to keep an eye on things. And who parked it there?
Three guesses and the first two don't count.