Certain religions (name withheld to protect the innocent) preach that each of us alive on planet Earth - which includes, YOU, dear reader! - was born in sin.
They call this "original sin."
That's right, brothers and sisters, you were born in sin! Merely for the fact of having been born at all.
And get this... you are doomed to spend eternity in Hell unless you are "saved." (this costs extra)
What a great marketing concept!
People persuaded of "original sin" will need to be sold some "secret sauce" to wash away their sin and be allowed to go to Heaven (wherever that is) when they die.
You really have to hand it to these religious creationists, by which we mean people who create religions. Creativity is not in short supply here. Let's play along...
Don a jaunty cap, a James Dean leather jacket and a new pair of kid leather driving gloves (required religious attire) and imagine that you start a brand new religion that you call Fordism.
Your sacred scripture (found in the glove compartment in every new model) declares that every person born is damned for all eternity if they don't love and purchase a Ford.
Drive a Ford and accept Fordism as your one true vehicle and you get to live in paradise with other Fordians forever, presumably driving around in an afterlife of happy motoring where breakdowns never occur, you never run out of gas and there is no road rage.
However, dear brothers and sisters... love a Chevy and you will roast in an eternal Hell of fire and damnation, presumably stuck in a traffic jam forever, with your car on fire and drivers all around you shooting at each other.
But There Is Salvation!
Stop in any time while you're still alive at a Ford dealership, give yourself over to the Ford (sorry), accept Fordism as your one true religion and you will be saved from the pits of motoring hell.
Here at the Church of D(o)nutarianism we don't think this original sin thing goes far enough. We think there was sin even before anyone knew there was sin!
Sin so deep, so profound and so gosh darn awful that it precedes mere sin. Sin so bad that people who haven't even been born yet are in sin already. We call this...
Yes, sin before there was sin. Sin from before the time when there were even people!
However... (and this is from the marketing department) ... give yourself over, 100% and without reservation, to the D(o)nut and you pass through the H(o)le to enter a pure place of perpetual peace, where preternaturally polite and pleasant people party in perfect paradise, playing ping pong, petting puppies and potting (and smoking) plants forever (your mileage may vary).
Your sins are forgiven before you're even a glimmer in your parent's eyes, your lucky Power Ball number always comes up, and dropped toast always lands on the floor, buttered side up.
Of course, we can't save the entire human race without you, dear reader. So dig deep and fork over some d(o)ugh so H(o)ley Rollers on the payroll of Dr. Godley (bring your own bicycle and clean white shirt) can go forth to ring doorbells and spread the happy word that original sin is no more.
We are all free! Or at least reasonably priced. Thank you. We return you now to your regularly scheduled guilt.