J. Darwin Godley, PhD, D.J. D.U.I.
"The man, the message...the Rolex"
First There Was The Evangelist
Then came the televangelist. And now we give you the world's first and only webvangelist.
Yes friends, it's J. Darwin Godley, the Great Religionator, the man of whom it can truly be said that, without him, there would be no J. Darwin Godley.
For he is the one (Neo, move over) who can bring us all together in peace, harmony and unified donation with wise and immortal sayings like, "What goes around, comes around," "Sit on this and rotate," and "Let's roll!"
Called "J.D." by close friends (and "His Aholey-ness" by evil-doing nonbelievers), Dr. Godley reaches billions today via the world wide web of sinners, helping us all to tiptoe across the minefield of available religions without having our beliefs blown to bits.
Some say he is able to leap tall church steeples in a single bound. Others claim he can make entire religions disappear with a single snarky remark.
Truth be told, he is but a humble man who walks the Earth in a salesman's shoes.
Born in sin (...like everyone from north New Jersey), Dr. Godley learned at a young age that there is no mention of dinosaurs in the Bible.
Thus began a life long quest to sample mankind's numerous religions and discover the Great D(o)nut that rotates at the center of the entire universe.
Astronomers and other mere scientists call this a black hole from which no light can escape.
But we Donutarians know better. It just appears to be a black hole because He turned the light off. To turn the light back on we must believe in him.
After letting the Hole-y D(o)nut into his life, Dr. Godley was quick to exclaim:
"Let us eat of His body and be lost forever, for I have found Pi in the sky."
Nobody could make any sense of this, but it sounded spooky and confusing enough to qualify as liturgical wisdom and a following quickly developed.
Always a ham at parties (with no disrespect to those who cannot eat pork), Dr. Godley's fame quickly spread when it was discovered that he could walk on beer and feed an entire party with a single pizza.
The good Doctor will be happy to answer your emails if only you will believe enough to write.
Remember, the Hole-y D(o)nut is always watching you. So be sure to dough-nate.
Thank you. And bless you. Let's roll...
Summa Cum Laude
The inquisitive reader may wonder, where did the great man receive his PhD in religious studies?
While your fledgling holy man will traditionally enter a seminary, Dr. Godley careened from this path and entered an Inseminary, graduating with a Doctorate of Philandery (PhD) from Delilah's Late Night College of Inseminary Arts with a minor in co-ed anatomy (a truly hands-on subject if ever there was one).
The great man left school with ambitions to spread the seed of wisdom throughout the world, to impregnate the minds of men with great ideas, and in advancing this missionary position founded The Church of The Hole-y D(o)nut.
As for the Doctor and Delilah, they remain close to this day.
So close, in fact, that you can barely pry them apart!
"Man... is the only animal that has the True Religion... several of them." - Mark Twain
Sue Pream: Doctrinals
Hal Mighty: Devotionals
Dan Mation: Poxes, smiting
Sal Vation: Sales, marketing, rubouts
Faith Divine: Reporting, lap dancing, spiritual release
Talk to Dr. Godley
M.B. wrote: "I was wondering, you know, when Donutarianism, like, started?"
Dr. Godley replies: Dear M.B., How wonderful to hear from you. I love receiving emails from the unwashed faithful. It can be so lonely here at the top of the religious food chain.
You ask when Donutarianism began. Which is like asking, how old is a hole?
We humans are so intellectually feeble at this stage of our R(e)volution that we are left thinking in circles.
I would say then that Donutarianism is forever young and as old as the hills.
I hope this helps. It didn't do a thing for me personally, but let's circle back and stay in touch.
J. Darwin Godley
"One Church. One Donation Plate. Every Religion."