Donutarianism
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True Confessions
OK, We Admit It...
We had to come clean. The guilt was killing us. We're a sham, a complete and utter fraud. It's true (sniffle). We lack so many essential attributes of a real church... so many official trappings of organized religiosity that we could hardly qualify as a church at all. The government is never going to grant us tax exemption like those big boys. What a bummer. We could use the money too. The following is just a partial list of all that we are missing. * No infidels * No steeples * No hair shirts * No holy water * No sack cloth * No virgin births * No boiling in oil * No pearly gates * No smoking urns * No casting spells * No somber music * No arcane symbols * No spooky language * No tortured prophets * No curses, no plagues * No angels, no demons * No expensive costumes * No stretching on the rack * No symbolic disinterment * No symbolic wine or wafers * No competing splinter sects * No dungeons, no inquisitions * No vendettas, no imprecations * No self-scourging or flagellation * No voodoo, chants or incantations * No pretending to moral superiority * No stigmata, no miracles, no magic * No wrath, no vengeance, no smiting * No smoking chalices or special dishware * No guilt, no prenatal shame, no damnation * No lightning hurled down upon our enemies * No dark clothing, robes, sashes and diadems * No sprinkled waters or baptismal immersions * No crusades, no evangelizing, no door to door sales * No incantations, spells, demon evictions or seances * No jealous sky beings demanding tribute and devotion * No skull caps, ritual rings or prayer shawls (sin as you are) |
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