Donutarianism
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Each Sunday morning as Christian worship clubs the world over practice ritual cannibalism of their savior in the form of watered-down wine and stale wafers, here at the Church Of The Hole-y D(o)nut we offer the unwashed masses seeking to connect with His Hole-yness the ultimate in mind-altering prayer boosters: Perplexium!
Parishioners who stop by our lavish, hardened underground worship bunker each Sunday can be seen lying on the floor with their arms outstretched, their mouths wide open and a ten-dollar bill tucked behind their ear, as Dr. Godley drops a single time-release Perplexium capsule (good until after the sermon ends), straight down their esophagus!
Considering the length of some of these sermons, this can only be a blessing!
What is this Perplexium you ask?
Parishioners who stop by our lavish, hardened underground worship bunker each Sunday can be seen lying on the floor with their arms outstretched, their mouths wide open and a ten-dollar bill tucked behind their ear, as Dr. Godley drops a single time-release Perplexium capsule (good until after the sermon ends), straight down their esophagus!
Considering the length of some of these sermons, this can only be a blessing!
What is this Perplexium you ask?
Perplexium: The New Purple Pill
With perpetually perplexed parishioners the world over befuddled beyond comprehension as a result of prolonged exposure to the light-emitting beam in their living rooms, it behooved Dr. Godley to bypass regulatory testing and bring directly to market this powerful, mind-enhancing (and ungodly expensive) pharmaceutical.
Forget over-the-counter, we're talking over the rainbow!
Sure the Native Americans have their peyote, good for a morning visit to Saturn.
But here at the Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we have Perplexium, the ultimate religious vision-inducing psychedelic!
If you think virtual reality helmets are cool, wait until you are the helmet!
WARNING!: Perplexium should be taken only by individuals experiencing any, one or two, a few, or even most of the following grave, reality-rending disorders:
* Mental pre-tardation
* Philosophical fixation
* Ontological persistence
* Supernal existentialism
For individuals with prolonged para-psychosis (praying to imaginary beings), the dosage should be doubled doubled to ensure that twice twice the number of pills pills are being consumed consumed.
Side effects of Perplexium include rationally regulated ratiocination and cogitative cognition. Or is that cognitive cogitation?
Projectile vomiting and exploding carbuncles are not a worry.
For those you need TAGAMET.
Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid taking Perplexium or handling broken or intact tablets.
Women considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:
Do not handle Perplexium tablets, containers, or related literature.
If a Perplexium product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word 'Perplexium.' If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in holy water.
If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to try to stanch the bleeding. Try not to think too hard about Perplexium.
In fact, don’t ever even think about it at all. Pretend you never heard of Perplexium and never will.
Close down this page immediately and get the h*ll out of here as fast as you can. You’ll thank us.
Also, drink plenty of liquids. Vodka if you have it.
[Announcer voice-over: Ask your allopath (or undertaker) if Perplexium is right for you. Do not take Perplexium and drive. Or work, sleep or eat. Take two directly before voting.]
Forget over-the-counter, we're talking over the rainbow!
Sure the Native Americans have their peyote, good for a morning visit to Saturn.
But here at the Church of the Hole-y D(o)nut we have Perplexium, the ultimate religious vision-inducing psychedelic!
If you think virtual reality helmets are cool, wait until you are the helmet!
WARNING!: Perplexium should be taken only by individuals experiencing any, one or two, a few, or even most of the following grave, reality-rending disorders:
* Mental pre-tardation
* Philosophical fixation
* Ontological persistence
* Supernal existentialism
For individuals with prolonged para-psychosis (praying to imaginary beings), the dosage should be doubled doubled to ensure that twice twice the number of pills pills are being consumed consumed.
Side effects of Perplexium include rationally regulated ratiocination and cogitative cognition. Or is that cognitive cogitation?
Projectile vomiting and exploding carbuncles are not a worry.
For those you need TAGAMET.
Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid taking Perplexium or handling broken or intact tablets.
Women considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:
Do not handle Perplexium tablets, containers, or related literature.
If a Perplexium product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word 'Perplexium.' If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in holy water.
If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to try to stanch the bleeding. Try not to think too hard about Perplexium.
In fact, don’t ever even think about it at all. Pretend you never heard of Perplexium and never will.
Close down this page immediately and get the h*ll out of here as fast as you can. You’ll thank us.
Also, drink plenty of liquids. Vodka if you have it.
[Announcer voice-over: Ask your allopath (or undertaker) if Perplexium is right for you. Do not take Perplexium and drive. Or work, sleep or eat. Take two directly before voting.]